My Dad called me today, after getting back from my uncleapos;s house.� I guess after he played with my cousins for awhile my Uncle started a fire outside and the two (My Dad and Uncle)� sat there for awhile before my Uncle brought up how much he misses Me and my Brothers.� He told him how much he would like us to be role models for his kids and get together more.� How he wished weapos;d call him.� Thatapos;s when my dad interjected and added you never call them.� They are adults know so when and if you have get togethers call them and better yet call them either way to talk to them and get to know them better.� I guess he opened up more to my Dad about how his father-in-law is having some mental problems.� My Aunt stayed up stairs the whole time after making my day a cup of coffee and didnapos;t really talk to him.� I suppose because of her fatherapos;s health, sheapos;d want to be left be.� I know I would.� Anyways, where as my Uncles and my Aunts were very close to my Grandparents, my Dad wasnapos;t.� His education wasnapos;t their priority, so he besides basic grade, High school and some college, strive t be self taught.� Spending endless hours reseaching questions, topics, and others.� So much so that through out my child hood the house seemed to have been built on books due to his extensive library.� However although there was a distance between his parents and siblings, he loved them greatly.� Both of their deaths were devastating blows, but he carried on because of his kids.� My Aunts and Uncle(s) and I paranthasize the apos;sapos; because this particular Uncle I am talking about, seems to have his head screwed on better, however my other Aunts and Uncle(s) seemed to have lost their lives along with my Grandparents.� And thatapos;s hard for me to say.� I love my parents and I try not to think about them dying, I donapos;t want to say that it will envelope my being, because it might.� I just want to hope that I will move on and pursue life because I know thats what they put me on this earth for.� Itapos;s the strangest and most uncomfortable thing to be around them post Grandparents, but I feel they allow things to be that way.� And I partially hold them at arms length because they always have been so opinionated and emotional, over things that it get to be unbearable.� But now they are even moreso.� Also I with this increase of uncomfortability is the ever growing knowledge and qualms I have with them.� I have heard and been told more than I want to by them about themselves or their other siblings than I want to.� Things that I wish I still had that childish naivity about them yet to also have them veiw and respect me as an adult.� Another thing my Dad brought up to me as we were discussing and trying to delve deeper in to their the whys and hows and what isapos; (my dad and I share that trait), was they donapos;t agree with my life style, they might even label it traditional.� This I had to laugh at.� One because all things aside I am pretty traditional, with my marriage and conservative with my beliefs, but I wouldnapos;t call them new aged.� Apparently they donapos;t veiw me as independant.� Where as they lived in the parentapos;s house until the day their parentapos;s died.� They think that not working or having steady work is a burden or not a choice or something to the affect� that I am so traditional that I donapos;t work.� Which I partly agree with them, it is a burden, but it is a choice.� Nowever right now it is not my choice, and that is NOT my tradition to NOT work.� It is the employers choice to hire me.� As well as not only was their sustance my Grandparents but so was/is the material.� They made a bigger stink about me not throwinf parties (bridal shower, bachelerette, rehearsal dinner) for my wedding then actually trying to get to know Eric.� And that hurt because their homw was practically my second home, before I got married.� And from that hurt drew the conclusion that maybe after all that time, they really didnapos;t try to get to know me or even care to.� I remeber sitting down with them on numerous occassions (TV on in the background as always) and sharing all my hopes, dreams, fears and goals.� And also listening to theirs.� So could it be they forgot or didnapos;t hear?� If they forgot I donapos;t blame them.� I can be long winded and the time between those moments and now has been long.� But if they didnapos;t hear me because the price is right was on or some menapause inducing lifetime movie was on then I get a little mad.� Because thats probably the mostly reason as to why.� TV was and still is their friend.� They raised my cousin infront of it some much so that she thinks she is one of the pussy cat dolls, living on a reality TV show.� My cousin of whom I just stopped talking to because sheapos;s so unreal and such a chameleon, but yet she gets these praises for paying her bills and going to work.� Much like they praise themselves for doing the things that you are supposed to be doing.� I have a wealth of emotions over this whle thing.� Most is sadness and annoyance, aggrivation and even jealousy.� I am saddened by this all because I watch these people who were once such a staple and a blessing to have in my life go into the catergory of people I oce knew and wish I still did.� As well as how much of a shadow of a person they have become after their loss.� Itapos;s an annoyance because instead of feeling excited and happy as I once did when I would go see them, I get a pang in my body knowing itapos;s just going to be picking up at the last cycle of conversations where we left off before, after I retell them again whats been going on in my life.� Itapos;s aggrivating because where as people change and thats a good thing, their mentality never does but their voices for their opinions grow louder.�� And jealousy because I wish I could be congradulated on the smallest unimportant thing for once, and patted on the back like they all do for doing something meager.� I mean hey, I went to school earned a couple of certificates, been on the radio, been on stage, sold my artwork and other things that one would probably give more accalades to then paying a water bill.� But know.� I am also jealous because I wish I could be as material at times like they are, be flawless, fashionable and rich.� But I am not.� However, besides all the negative I feel toward them, I canapos;t help but love them very much.� Think and wonder about nearly everyday.� To smile when I thinkk about all the good times I had and not focus on the bad.� I guess thats what matters most, and thatapos;s what sends me over there everytime I get invited.� Because no matter what I know Ican try have those good times like we once did, or atleast try to put on a facade and pretend to.� I suppose my underlying problem is missing people of substance and character.� Missing apos;adultsapos;.� Adults is such a loosey used term now.� So is matrurity.� Either way, itapos;s not just them who bring these feelings to mind but others and other event mself, mostly myself.� I will try to make more of an effort now, and see what happens,� I donapos;t feel I have much to lose if I send an email, but I do feel I have something to regain.
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